Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
Oh god it's open bar.
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
Randomize
