I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
Nick had a break down & said to me "Everybody's mad at me, I'm the douchebag, Im the fucking douchebag that everyone hates, Do you wanna come home with this douchebag?!"
You're going home with him aren't you?
I'll see ya in the morning when I leave his house
Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
He said he would pay my bar tab if he couldn't answer my question. He lost to the age old question of our youth. Why did pogs go out of style.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Randomize
