I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
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