So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
fighting downstairs. join me tonight to hear their makeup sex. also, let's make skittles vodka.
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize
