I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
Randomize
