Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
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