You are not answering and I think it is because you spent 80 dollars worth of drinks on you hot cousin.
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
