I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
I love you. Go after that dick
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
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