2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
Randomize
