I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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