I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
he's gonorrhea incarnate
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
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