That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
Well if were past the bullshitting stage yes if not then no I'm not that kind of guy
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
Randomize
