guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
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