Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
I have commenced my lesbian college experimentation. Wish me luck
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
