Luol and I just scored with two 40 year old married chicks. They dropped us off on the way to soccer prctic. The kids in the back were confused. Call me.
hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
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