just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
I kind of learned that hotels are unnecessary. Boys will just take you home, but that's tough with a group. I believe in us, though.
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
Randomize
