So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
