Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
