NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
Randomize
