My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
Randomize
