So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
She swung at the pinata with crutches
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
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