You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
I was topless in his bathroom sink taking bong rips , goodmorning . He told me he could get use to this
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
Randomize
