Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
We were in a bathroom while 4 dudes compared dick piercings.
Buffalowww
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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