This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
I just read the lonely terrorist on nwa had 40 more friends than me on facebook
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
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