I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
Randomize
