This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
Currently coming up with judgment, the game. Works well on buses, will probably be more entertaining in bars.
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Randomize
