...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
If he isn’t into CosPlay he will be after tonight. That naughty nurse outfit heals broken hearts
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