also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
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I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
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Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
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