I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
