Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
Edward fifth and chaser hands
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
I woke up under the kitchen table. Andy is cursing out Joe Exotic's name in between heaves in the bathroom. Jay is trying to sleep w/ a shirt tied over his eyes. Lena and Brad braved the sun to go get bloody mary supplies and food. I'd say the Tiger King drinking game was a success.
Randomize
