i wish starbucks made bloody marys
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
Randomize
