I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
Randomize
