textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
Randomize
