I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
Randomize
