We're like a lot better than the average bears
A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
Randomize
