Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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