your parents love me but you hate me
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
im calling her cock vulture from now on
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
my longitudinal study of the long term effects of sloth and alchol-intake is nearly complete.
so you are graduating this semester.
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
Randomize
