he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
whose ass print is on the piano?
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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