I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
I can't even teach it... It's just natural slutyness.. My mom has it too
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
Randomize
