I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
I cut my penus on the lid.
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
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