she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
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