look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
Yea we had fun. Lost my wallet some girl has it. Sarah fell asleep in a cab and ended up at some wawa. It was cray. She's home now
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
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