I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
If I can ever get control of my legs I will be home. Thanks... and again sorry about your bed.
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
Randomize
