Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
Randomize
