All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
Dude I could put my dick between the gap in her teeth.. This is the last time we are hanging out with Kentucky girls
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
Randomize
