he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
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