Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
I think a major source of concern would be the fact you snorted a shot. Who does that?
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
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