She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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