No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
If i die in the snow, get to my laptop and delete all of the nickelback. password is "barry"
as in "white"?
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
Randomize
