i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
Same here... Well I was planning on having some sort of deep conversation, but looking at how grim of an outlook tomorrow has on you, I'll just re-inform you that I have your pants.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
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