only you would photoshop your dick
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
Randomize
