All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
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