'in an unhealthy relationship' should def be an fb option
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
Randomize
