Last night we were drunk and talking about rude things, I mentioned felching and had to explain it to everyone. Everyone was disgusted and asked how I knew about such filth and I told them you told me. Don't get mad. Also a quck heads up, you might get gifts of straws at work,
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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