I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
So what's the moral of this story? Aside from 'lesbians hold grudges'?
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
You wouldn't stop crying and screaming Hilary Duff doesn't deserve Gossip Girl
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
Randomize
