I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
Randomize
