i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
yeah well, its not like my astrogynecology class is teaching me what i need to know
im almost 90% sure there is no such thing as astrogynecology.
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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