I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
Free body shot off of Sarah. Expires never.
My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
Good luck! Who knows he might be a stallion in the bedroom! or it could be like having sex with a crayon.
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
Watching Supernatural does more for me sexually than the physical encounters with 90% of the men in my life.
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Randomize
