I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
you told grandpa to call you daddy
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
i need some magic done to my vagina
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Will exercising make me less horny?
Randomize
